Setting limits on screen time for Kids.

Ruby BlossomLeave a comment

Recently I was reminded of the importance of setting screen time limitations for my kids a few weeks ago when my eldest son (a fourth grader) had to keep track of his screen time for a week with a bar graph. Yep, a bar graph, they still teach that in schools, lol. I asked him if anyone had shared their results for the week on their graph. A few days later he came home and proudly told me how his screen time compared to his friends. He was so thrilled to share that he has the lowest screen time in the class. I think that week he only clocked in 2 hours and that was because he was sick for a day.

“Mom, my friends were amazed that I don’t have screen time every day.” He beamed proudly. “They asked me, ‘What do you do if you aren’t watching TV or playing video games?'” His reply was priceless. “I have toys. I play with my siblings. I play outside. We go to church, or over to other people’s homes.” That statement made me so proud. To be honest, between work, kids, cooking, house work, and socializing with others who has time to watch TV! Most weekends I’ll be lucky if I can squeeze in a movie or a short show. It’s not that I am against screen time…. well maybe I am to a degree… but there are just so many other things to do. TV is generally not at the top of my list. When it comes to my kids; they are young and need to be moving and interacting with the real world, NOT a screen.

According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP), as of May 2024, on average children between 8 & 12 years of age spend 4-6 hours a day utilizing screen time. The same article reported teens spend up to 9 hours! Oh my goodness! Who has that much time on their hands a day! When do they sleep? Included in screen time is smart phone use, TV watching, video games/gaming consoles, and computers but still, that is a lot. Where are kids even getting this amount of time? I know for my own children they schedules typically don’t allow that much free time. They at at school from 7:30 am-3:15 pm. Dinner is typically at 5 or 5:30 because they are little and hungry. Then bedtime is about 7:30. My eldest is at that age were he has homework now. Which is done before dinner because after dinner he’s mentally done with school work for the day. I don’t let the others watch TV while he’s doing school work because then he won’t focus on what he has to do if he hears the TV going. So the other two play together. Between going to have dinner with another family once or twice a week and church on Wednesday nights there is just not time. And we don’t even do sports right now!

So how have my husband and I accomplished this? How is it during the summer my kids get less than the 2 hours of TV a day. While during the school year, TV is generally regulated to the weekends? How have we done this? Boundaries. We have sent boundaries for screen time early and consistently. Regulating screen time at the house is just like any other disciplinarian action we have to take as parents. Yes, it’s a lot of work up front but in the end it has a big pay off.

I remember when my eldest was around two years old. We didn’t have a TV in the house. Between both my husband and I working and doing school, we just used our computers. We never got around to buying a TV. I think my eldest was about 5 years old when we actually bought a TV. We didn’t even buy it watch TV, it was to do a video teaching series. Now back to my son. I noticed that when I would turn off the TV he would throw the biggest tantrum. He only watched two shows! That was when I realized his little brain could not handle this very well. I would also sit and watch with him so we would get snuggle times and talk about what we saw. Those tantrums reminded me of an addict being “torn” away from his addiction. I did not like seeing that behavior. So we stopped screen time for a while outside of Whats App calls with the Nonni in Italy.

As my eldest got older and baby number 2 came around he got to watch more TV. I always limited it to 2 shows. Fast forward to 3 kids today (ages 3, 5, and 9). The TV time is still about the same only it’s 3 shows max and everyone gets to pick a show. If they pick shows then no movie. We did have a tablet that the eldest was occasionally using for a balancing game that worked with an app until he dropped it on the tile floor. That was over a month ago and we still haven’t replaced the screen. None of my children have a cell phone. My eldest is one of 4 kids in his class that don’t have one. To be frank, a 9 year old has no reason to have a phone. Especially when most of the class has one, and every teacher has one. If and when we have done extracurricular activities they are generally not old enough to be dropped off and left. If they can be dropped off, I can get the number of the coach in case there is an emergency. As for gaming, we don’t have any gaming consoles or computer games in the house.

I’ve found the easiest way to limit screen time is to just say “no” or simply don’t buy the device. Choose wisely what you want your kids to watch and be exposed too. Find what limits work for your family and your schedule. If you’ve found that you have relegated parenting to electronic devices, own it. Admit that to your children and make changes while including them in on the decision. That doesn’t mean they get to choose their screen time amounts. However, to some degree, you can include them in the decision making process. Giving them options that you, as the parent, are okay with. Setting boundaries is great for any area of life, and can be extremely beneficial when it comes to screen time.

Here are some practical examples on how to limit screen time:

1) No phone use at meal times. This is a time to practice communicating with one another face to face, learning to listen to each other, and learning how to respect other peoples opinions. Meal times should be a safe place for everyone at the table.

2) No phones/TV/computers/video games in your bedrooms. Your bedroom is a place to wind down and relax. If you constantly do things that stimulate you in your room, than your brain is going to associate that room with activity instead of sleep. Any type of blue light at night can interfere with your ability to get a good nights sleep. Drum scrolling til 2 am is not going to help you fall asleep. Keep the electronics is a family space, like a family room, kitchen, or living room. If you use your phone as an alarm, get a cheap “regular” alarm.

3) Determine a set length of time prior to starting a screen time activity. Set an alarm so you know when your time is up and then actually stop once the alarm goes off. For instance, Jessie can play Fortnight or Mine-craft (not both) for 1 hour. When the alarm goes off he is done for the day.

Things to do instead of screen time:

1) Make a creative space. Have paper, colored pencils, markers crayons, play dough. Have your kids make something. For instance, I found air dry clay packets at Walmart for a $1. My kids choose which one they wanted to make and we spent about an hour having fun. Hobby lobby has craft kits that are cheap around the holidays to make things as well.

2) Exercise as a family or get them in an activity. Go ride bikes, roller skate, skate board, walk, etc… around the neighborhood. Go to a park and play with your kids.

3) Have a family game night.

4) Have your kids play with the toys they already have. Recently my husband told my kids that if they didn’t start playing with their toys more often, there was no need to keep them around. We could donate them. You can bet that got them into playing with those toys. At our house if you haven’t been seen playing with it then it’s time to donate it. That way someone else can enjoy it.

5) Assign age appropriate household duties. The AACAP noted in an article regarding Children and chores in 2018, that those who participate in household chores as young as 3 years old may exhibit higher self-esteem, be more responsible, and be better equipped to deal with frustration, adversity, and delayed gratification. These skills can lead to greater success in school, work, and relationships. And who doesn’t want that for their kids! For instance, all my kids help fold their own laundry. The youngest pairs up the socks and underwear. The middle folds the pants and the eldest folds the shirts and P.J.s and I help right a long. Once it’s done they all put away there own clothes. The little’s also enjoy washing dishes.

6) Let them be bored!!! Yep I said it. Let them be bored. It is when they are bored that they actually discover more about themselves and what they like to do! Paper Pie books, formerly called Usbourne books, has a great book called “Never Get Bored Book.” My eldest loves going through it. Follow this link to check it out. (They have amazing books in general.)

Remember, you are the parent, not your kids. You have a lot more life experience than them. As good parent’s we want our kids to succeed and thrive. A lot of times that means saying “no” to things. Without limits, all of us flounder. Until our children are old enough to set appropriate limits for themselves (AKA when they are legal adults or have proven themselves responsible) we, parents, have the joy, privilege, and responsibility of doing this for them. Start with one change at a time. Make that change easy and doable.

Maybe you have some older kids who are just out of control with their screen time. If so, make it a point to say: “Hey, I have done a disservice to you by not limiting you screen time and I see how it has caused you to suffer relationally and/or physically and/or emotionally. Because I love you we need to make some changes that will help you in the long run. You may not like it right away but some day I hope you will realize it was the right choice. Let’s talk about some ways in which we can move forward from here so that you can really thrive as a person. Here are some things we are going to change…..(no more electronics in your room or at meal times, screen time is over 2 hours prior to bedtime, the phone will stay in the living room to be charged overnight, etc….) Here are some things we can negotiate on….. ( and give some reasonable choices that you are okay with as the parent.).” Don’t be alarmed when you get some push back because you will. It’s a normal reaction. They might be mad at you for a while. However, if you stick to the plan everyone will be happier and healthier in the long run.

Thanks for reading! What are someways you have found helpful in limiting screen time at your house? Or making changes to screen time consumption? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Hello, It’s been a while

Ruby BlossomLeave a comment

Oh my, how the last few years have been a whirlwind. It’s been a few years since I have written and a lot has happened. I went back to work part-time in 2019 and have just went back to work full-time this July. I’ve been working at a local urgent care in the evenings/weekends over the last 2 years and have decided to keep that job as a casual position (8 hours a month) as I have transitioned to my daytime position. It’s been so nice to have everyone on a similar work/school schedule.

My eldest son is in 4th grade this year, my younger son started Kindergarten, and the youngest, my daughter, started Pre-K for 3 year olds. They are all in the same school just a few miles down the road from us. This school year has been a slightly rough this second week, as my 4th grader, who is a lefty is having to write cursive like a right handed person but with his left. This has caused much frustration and I’ve reached out to his teacher to see about how we can modify some of his hand writing assignments to better accommodate his left-handedness. Not to mention my daughter has been crying this week when I drop her off early at the school gym but she’s always so cheerful after she’s in her classroom. The middle one, however, has had no complaints about kindergarten so far….except the day he was tired and didn’t want to go….and the “fluffy ball” I got called about that he swallowed at the beginning of nap time. Hopefully that will be the last thing he swallows this year, as last year he swallowed a small rock from the playground (which his teacher thought he aspirated on. He didn’t) and he got a small rock stuck in his ear that I had to take him to the Ear Nose & Throat (ENT) office to get out because there was no way I was getting that thing out with the tools I had available at the urgent care. Plus at the ENT office it was so painless and quick because they had all the long thin tools and giant magnifying glass necessary to remove the thing!

We moved to a larger house last year, from our little 1200 sq ft home to a slightly larger 1800 sq ft home. I’ve loved the extra space. You would not believe how much 600 sq ft makes a difference. Last year was full of removing carpet, painting every room, putting in a new master bedroom closet system and tiling the whole house (outside of the Kitchen). Even the stairs are tiled and they are beautiful. My husband did a wonderful job. The stairs are gorgeous and really catch your eye as you enter the house. I love our closet system compared to what we had. And the colors we chose are so much better than the builder beige that the whole entire house was painted in. Next we are getting our roof replaced. We have had quite a few hail storms this year, not to mention a few times near 100mph winds, and a lot of intermittent heavy rain this spring/summer season. Our insurance adjuster told us we have the worse roof he’s seen this season so far. So I’m super thankful it’s not leaking and that they are paying to replace it. Soon it’ll be like we have a whole new house. New paint inside and out, new roof, new gutters, new tile floors, etc…

Next we are saving for a new van (new to us), because the used van we bought just prior to the youngest being born is slowly dying. Thankfully it’s still working and we are hoping to have all the cash for it prior to buying. Not having any debt for my education has really been beneficial for us, as it allowed me to take my time to get back into the workforce full time, while we had really young ones at home. If we had to pay loans for my masters degree, there would have been no way I could’ve stayed home for as long with my younger two as I have. One of the reasons I’m back to work full time now is because I convinced my husband we needed a larger home due to our kids growing up. I don’t regret it. Don’t get me wrong, our first house was great even up to the time we sold. We were there for 9 years. My husband even went through short time of buyers remorse since we were so close to paying it off, but our new neighborhood is much nicer, safer, and the house fits our needs better. Also, since I have a good income potential as an APRN, I think if we stay on track, we’ll be able to pay off this house in 2 years (that’s the goal anyway…that was the goal with the first one too, lol). When we sold our first house, we had enough equity in that one that we were able to put a 50% down payment on our current home. We also chose a 15 year mortgage over a 30 year one, which in the long run is saving us a ton on interest payments, even though the monthly payment is slightly higher.

In 2021, my husband and I left our church of 10 years. He had wanted to leave for a few years up to that point but I just wasn’t ready yet. Neither of us were growing in our faith or knowledge of the Bible or of the Lord. We started to notice the church was very works based and not very Gospel centered. When the old Pastor stepped down and the new one took over it was all about “finding your purpose” and “do this, do that, don’t do this or that,”…. Be apart of this ministry and be apart of that ministry and “look at what so and so is doing, we should all be doing stuff that that.” “if you’re not being fed it’s your own fault” kind of thing. Don’t get me wrong, Faith without works is dead. And we most certainly show our faith by our works. But we do not “work” to earn our way into heaven, nor do we get a better reward by the things that we do here on earth. We are saved only by the grace of God, not by our works so that no one can boast. If the Apostle Paul’s works were like filthy rags, what makes me think that anything I do on this earth is going to help me attain a better position in heaven? Not to mention some of the beliefs that the lay people would share about God that were not biblical during small group discussions and the leadership of the group would never correct it. So we left. We went to multiple churches over the course of a few years until we finally found one we were willing to become members of.

Easter Sunday of 2023, we walked into our new church OBC and haven’t looked back since. I’m not saying it has been an easy transition for me. For my husband it has been easier… for me… it’s been a little slower to adjust but I too have grown to really enjoying being here. It was just really really different from any church I had been apart of. Actually the last few years have been a huge adjustment doctrinally ( a doctrine is a belief or set of beliefs held and taught by a Church). I grew up in a Charismatic church… very Armenian … a very strong emphasis on the”Holy Spirit” and the work of the Spirit. And now I’m in a very non- Charismatic church… very cessationist (meaning the gift of prophecy, speaking in tongues, and the gift of healing is over and was only meant for a time for a specific reason, this is not to say that God doesn’t and can’t heal people today, just that the scale and the way in which the Apostles did this slowly faded as the Gospel spread and the Church grew[see 1 Tim 5:23 for an example of this]), very Calvinist…. very Reformed. Which I happen to find extremely ironic.

My first exposure to Reformed Theology was almost 20 years ago as a young adult entering college (Yikes, it’s been that long already!)… A private Christian Reformed College in Northwest Iowa. I never heard of the words Reformed Church, the reformation, Calvin, Luther, Armenian, etc… until 2006/2007. My intro to Theology class was a like a bucket of ice cold water throw at me and I was left defensive, stubborn, resistant, and somewhat relieved to finally have an official name for some of the beliefs (AKA Doctrines) I held to and were taught passively but never had a term for. Looking back, I know that I was on the Armenian side and Calvin… well lets just say I didn’t care for him and his TULIP. It didn’t make sense to me and at that point I didn’t put in the effort to truly understand it either.

Fast forward to last year, my husband picked up the book Strange Fire by John MacArthur, read it first and then encouraged me to read it. It took me a while a the beginning. I really did NOT want to read that book…mostly because I was afraid of what I might find in it. I found the book utterly terrifying. Reading the facts about the start of the Charismatic movement; learning that what I had been raised to believe was biblical and a continuation of what the early church did (such as speaking in tongues and prophecy); learning about the people who started the movement and it’s history of exploitation was completely devastating. I thought I was raised with the truth, only to be confronted with the facts that it was indeed not Truth. It was rough. And to top it off as I was reading this book all sorts of things came out about Mike Bickle and the International House of Prayer in KC and his so called “prophet” friend. The book had warned about such things in the Charismatic church! It had warned about how the Charismatic movement has been fraught with sexual immorality since the beginning in the early half of the 1900s and how leaders have not been held accountable for the willful negligence of God’s law and willingly and knowingly living in sin without any true repentance. The crazy thing is this book was written a good 10 years ago before the Bickle scandal and had mentioned many other past scandals from other prominent leaders as well. It has all left a bad taste in my mouth. Especially when I look at the reformed church and see leaders like J. Gresham Machen, Samuel Rutherford, Lloyd-Jones, R.C. Sproul, D.A. Carson and others who have lived lives with integrity over the years.

Any way, now we are in a Reformed Church that believes in Believer’s Baptism (not infant baptism), that teaches the Bible by going verse by verse through the text (expository preaching), which helps believers learn more on how to read the Bible and what it is actually saying in it’s context. The lead Pastor has a Doctorate in theology and the rest of the Pastoral staff currently have a Masters in Theology and/or are working on their Doctorate. Which I have found to be important to me. Because just as I wouldn’t go to someone who has a degree in media to treat my child’s food allergies, and I’m not going to someone trained in cosmetology to fix my car, I certainly am not going to sit under a pastor who has no formal training in reading and interpreting the Word of God. As one who is married to someone from a different culture, there is just too much that can be misinterpreted if you don’t have a good understanding of the culture in which you are interacting with or the nuances of the language. This takes time and training. For instance, I told my sister-in-law, who has a good grasp of English, that I had enough muscle already, I just wanted to slim down and tone up. To which she replied, “well that involves building more muscle!” She understood the words, but she missed my point. How much more, when you’re dealing with a book that spans thousands of years of history, written to a cultural group that is very different from my American culture?

In short, these changes are going to inform my writing more and more. Now that all the kiddos are off to school, and my new full time job has been found to be more flexible than anticipated, my goal is to write more frequently about what I’m learning and thinking about….. Did I tell you that we may be moving back to my husband’s home country in a few years? No? Well, stay tuned because this last year has been a roller coaster ride and Italy may be in our future. dun. dun. dun. dunnnn.

Rediscovering the Gospel

Ruby BlossomLeave a comment

The last few years have been quite the journey. In 2021 we left our church of 12 years and began searching for a new one. One that we felt was more biblically sound and true to the Gospel message. Don’t get me wrong, I loved where we were. They had a lot of good things going for it. I loved going to church surrounded by people of multiple ethnicities, nationalities, and languages all coming together in unity, they had a great children’s ministry which my son had really enjoyed, and we had a lot of connections there but there had been this feeling under the surface that something was missing and not quite right. Since leaving we had spent almost two years searching for a new church. It was emotionally and mentally taxing. But last April we found what we were looking for. At least I should say my husband found what he was looking for and I went along for it. At that point I had come to the conclusion that if we were to grow spiritually as a family I was going to have to let my husband lead us on this journey.

And you know what? He did a great job! Initially it was a little difficult for me. I was tired of making the effort in forming new friendships and initially I didn’t care for the preaching, however, I did love the Adult Sunday school. But I knew that my husband had insight that I didn’t have because he could see things in a way that I couldn’t. He knew exactly what he was looking for and he was going to keep looking even if that meant moving to a new city or state.

Initially it was difficult for me because I had to work through my own bias I had regarding the Reformed Church. I grew up in a typical Charismatic church. I had never even heard of the Reformed Church until I went off to College and was exposed to Calvinism. And boy was that a slap in the face, so to speak. So to find myself in a church that adhered to the Reformation was like a complete 180, in a sense. For the first time in a long time I found myself growing I my faith again, relearning the Truth of the Gospel, evaluating my belief system, learning about heresies of the early Church and what they look like today. I’m actually finding myself being equipped in a way I didn’t even know I needed! And oh the love for the Word, this church has! Finally! We found a group of believers who are as studious about learning and reading the Bible as my husband and I were! And it’s been such a sweet gift.

The most eye opening book for me this last year was reading John MacArthur’s “Strange Fire.” My husband had picked it up and asked me to read it a while ago. It was initially a difficult read for me. I even told my husband that I found the book terrifying during the first few chapters. It took me the better part of a year to complete it. My whole childhood, my life, was steeped in Charismatic Theology, if you can even call it that. And here I was learning about the movements past for the first time and it’s past “founders” and found myself troubled with the whole thing. I even found myself questioning, “How did I even get saved in all this crap (AKA heresy)?!” Thank God salvation is truly a free gift of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, his death and resurrection. After all what is the Gospel if it is not about what Christ has done on our behalf? What a great news it truly is! What a great mercy He has done by allowing me to rediscover the joy of the Gospel. So what is this Gospel?

The Gospel is this: Because of Adam and Eve’s disobedience to God all of humanity has fallen into sin. We are sinful at birth. There is absolutely nothing that we can do to be good enough to be acceptable before God. The Bible says that wages of sin is death and we are required to pay this penalty because God is righteous and just. He must deal with sin in order to be just. But because of His great love, Jesus took on human flesh though he was God, and willing came to Earth to obey the law of God perfectly, personally, and perpetually. He then died on the cross, taking on the consequences of all of humanity’s sin upon himself and dying. Thus paying the penalty of sin for all those who would believe upon Him. He then rose from the dead and ascended to heaven, where he now sits at the right hand of the Father interceding for those who believe night and day!

The Apostles were witnesses to the historical account of this. Faith in Christ is not just faith in someone who never lived and died but faith in a historical person who actually lived, died, and was resurrected. The apostle Paul puts it this way,

1 Corinthians 15 Now I would remind you, brothers,[a] of the gospel I preached to you, which you received, in which you stand, 2 and by which you are being saved, if you hold fast to the word I preached to you—unless you believed in vain.

3 For I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received: that Christ died for our sins in accordance with the Scriptures, 4 that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures, 5 and that he appeared to Cephas, then to the twelve. 6 Then he appeared to more than five hundred brothers at one time, most of whom are still alive, though some have fallen asleep. 7 Then he appeared to James, then to all the apostles. 8 Last of all, as to one untimely born, he appeared also to me. 9 For I am the least of the apostles, unworthy to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God.

He also goes on the say in the same chapter“ 14 And if Christ has not been raised, then our preaching is in vain and your faith is in vain.” As well as “17 And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile and you are still in your sins. 19 If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied.”

The whole New Testament is pointing back to the cross and what it accomplished while the whole Old Testament is pointing to it and what it would accomplish. The amazing thing is that God had this redemption plan before he even created anything. He willing agreed to die in the place of humanity so that we, those who believe, could have fellowship with God for eternity. The more I am learning about the goodness of God the more I am growing in Awe of Him. I cannot save myself. I am unable to live up to the law he has established since before he made humanity. The law stands and it cannot be changed. I stand condemned before God because I have broken it and I rightly deserve to be punished for it. But God in his great love, sent the Son. Who willing laid down his life and took my punishment. He took my place on death row so that I could be right before God and have eternal life.

“For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 6:23).”

My Body, My Choice…do I really?

Ruby BlossomLeave a comment

This last month, I’ve been in the car driving a lot for my current job and I’ve been seeing this license plate around that states “My body, My choice” and it got me thinking: How much control do I really have over my own body?

How much choice do I really have over my own body? How much choice does anyone have over their own body? And after much reflection, I’ve come to the conclusion that choice over what happens to my body is really an illusion. It’s something we tell ourselves so that we feel that we are in more control of our lives than we really are. I have very little choice over what happens to my body or even in my body for that matter. I have no choice over my genetics, the diseases or disorders I may develop over time. I have little choice over whether or not I develop polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), familial hypertention (high blood pressure), allergies of any kind (food, environment, medications), or if one day my body decides to attack itself and I develop an autoimmune disorder. What about infertility or cancer or birth defects? I have no choice as to whether someone decides to swerve into my lane and hit my vehicle. I have no choice in how someone else treats me (physically or verbally). I have no choice if I develop a mental health disorder like depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, etc….

The truth is I have very little choice over what happens to my body but what I do have is choices over how I react to what is going on inside my body or what has happened to me by the hand of someone else. I have the power to choose my response to whatever comes my way. I can choose everyday to make choices that will benefit my body by participating in self care activities (eating healthy, relaxing, exercising, etc…). When someone treats me with disrespect I can choose to walk away from that relationship. If someone tries to harm me, I don’t have to stay. I can leave. I can call the authorities and do what ever else I need to do to protect myself.

I do have choices in every situation. Some are culturally popular, some not. I can whine and complain that other people have a better life than me, that this is the way I am and do nothing to change my situation, even if that change makes things just 1% better. I can choose to believe the negativity that people spew at me or let their words fuel my desire to be different, to rise above their expectations, to believe in myself. I can choose to eat that bag of chips or that bag of carrots. I can choose to sit on my butt and binge watch my favorite show or get up and exercise. My choices in life aren’t about controlling what happens to me physically but about choosing how I want to respond when things happen or don’t happen to me. I can’t say “blood pressure, now you have to be normal today” or “menstrual cramps,you are no longer going to be painful, get in line.” But I can choose to surround myself with people who love and care about me. I can choose to never touch a drop of alcohol. I can choose to put my phone down while I’m driving so that if someone does come at me on the road I am prepared to act.

Every day we wake up and make choices but we also have to realize that there are so many moving parts. There are so many other people involved in our day to day who are also making choices, just like we are. They may choose to do something to us that we wish they hadn’t or that we are delighted that they did. We don’t have as much autonomy as we tell ourselves we do but we do get to choose how we react to the situations that we are in.

Eunice- A mom behind the scenes

Ruby BlossomLeave a comment

Ever feel like your role as a mother is meaningless and leaves no impact? I know I have. It seems like the culture pressures women to be in the workforce and places very little importance on the role of being a mother at home raising children. It seems that the value of a woman is equated with the economic value she adds to society rather than the value she can add raising the next generation. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that woman have a role in the marketplace. I would not have put myself through years of higher education if I didn’t. But I firmly believe that each woman should be given the freedom to stay at home, if she so chooses, but I realize that this is not an option for every woman.

Over the years I’ve found that it is a privilege and a blessing to say “I can stay home with my children and not have to work to help put food on the table.” But to be honest, I don’t always feel that way. At times I feel that my work as a mom is invisible. There are no accolades and “great job” most of the time. And sometimes it feels that the work is never ending because…. well, it is never ending and the pay stinks! When it comes to assessing the value of a parent at home, there is no quantitative data that is easy to compare. No numbers to look at, per se. The data is all qualitative; they are stories and experiences passed down from the elder to younger.

At times I’ve asked God, “Does staying at home with my kids even make a difference? Does this even matter?” In those moments I usually meet another mom who has been in my same situation and unknowingly reminds me that “yes! My work as a mother matters and makes a huge impact in the Kingdom of God.” And you know what?! God even left us an example of a mother in the New Testament, who’s role as a mom made a huge and lasting impact on the world. Her name was Eunice. She is the mother of Timothy; a young pastor who worked closely with the Apostle Paul.

Who was Eunice? Eunice is mentioned only one time by name in the Bible in 2 Timothy 1:5. She was a Jewish woman married to a Gentile (Acts 16:1), her son was Timothy, and her mother was Lois. In 2 Timothy 1:3-6 the Apostle Paul admonishes Timothy as a young pastor:

 I (Paul) thank God, whom I serve with a clear conscience as my ancestors did, when I constantly remember you (Timothy) in my prayers night and day. Remembering your tears, I long to see you so that I may be filled with joy, clearly recalling your sincere faith that first lived in your grandmother Lois, then in your mother Eunice, and that I am convinced is in you also. Therefore, I remind you to keep ablaze the gift of God that is in you through the laying on of my hands.

Here Paul reminds Timothy of his faith legacy; a legacy which had been passed down to him from his grandmother and mother. In 2 Timothy 3:14-15 we discover that Timothy had learned the Scriptures since his childhood. With a Gentile father, we can conclude that Lois and Eunice were the ones to teach Timothy about his Jewish heritage and the Scriptures.

Eunice wasn’t a perfect woman. She had married a Gentile husband, which was against Jewish law. It must have been difficult to raise her son with Jewish beliefs, not only in a culture that promoted the worship of multiple gods but also in a home where her and her husband had different religious affiliations. But I have to give her credit, she made sure her son, Timothy, knew the Scriptures because he wasn’t going to learn it from his father! She took on the role of Spiritual teacher and she lived out her faith before her son; obeying the Scripture found in Deuteronomy concerning teaching the Scripture to the next generation.

Deuteronomy 11:18-21 says “Imprint these words of mine on your hearts and minds, bind them as a sign on your hands, and let them be a symbol on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, so that as long as the heavens are above the earth, your days and those of your children may be many in the land the Lord swore to give your fathers.”

Eunice left an impact on the world through her son. The biblical foundation she laid in her son’s life left fertile soil for the Gospel to take root in his life. Ultimately this teaching at home lead Timothy to join Paul in his ministry and ultimately set the stage for him to become the pastor of the early Church in Ephesus. Even though we know very little about Eunice, she had a great impact on the early Church. If it wasn’t for her influence on Timothy, he may have never joined Paul in his ministry and the New Testament that we have today may not have any mention of Timothy or the two books of Timothy.

Sometimes we may feel that the “endless” hours we have with our kids at home could be better spent making money at work or volunteering for a good cause. But in the hum drum of life, those hours spent with our children aren’t “endless.” We have a set amount of time with them to prepare them to be productive members of society and to teach them about God and what it looks like to follow him. As parents we have a great amount of influence over our kids. They need us and desire our attention and wisdom. God has set it up this way, and as we read in Deuteronomy 11, He commands us to intentionally teach our children about Him and His word (the Bible). We, parents, are designed to be our children’s primary teacher. Those teachers at school and church are supplemental and are to help fill in the gaps of subjects in which we are not proficient in teaching our children. What we teach our children when they are young generally follows them throughout their life. Eunice took up the challenge to teach young Timothy about her faith and in turn his faith grew.

Moms, you may be “unseen” by the world, but God is watching and He see’s all the hard work you put in among the four walls of your home. Your work matters. It matters to God and it matters to your children, even in those moments when your kids act like they don’t care or are upset with you for enforcing boundaries. Whether you work outside the home or only inside the home, you are the most important person in your child’s life (along with Dad). Your role as parent is vital and life changing for that little one, and will even impact the lives of their friends! Parent’s affect “change” more than they realize. You are vital! You are precious! You are seen!

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
    before you were born I set you apart;
    I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5

A Tragic and Unexpected Loss

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Shock. Complete and utter, all encompassing shock. That’s how I felt after my husband awoke me from my half sleep while nursing our 2 month old on Monday. I heard him down stairs, in my half awaken state; not fully comprehending what I was hearing. Was that crying I heard? A few minutes later he burst in our bedroom. “You have to get up. Something terrible has happened,” he said somberly. He burst into tears, unable to form the words he needed to tell me for a few minutes. “What is it, my love? Tell me. Is it your parents? Did something happen to them?,” I replied calmly but still half asleep. “It’s Charity. There’s been an accident. She passed away yesterday,” he said in between tears. I was now fully awake. Fully present. The words: “This is a dream right? I’m going to wake up from this any minute,” raced through my head. But in my heart I knew it was true. She was really gone and this moment was really happening. “I saw Joy (her mother) was calling your phone so I picked it up to answer,” he wept. I just sat there in silence, nursing our daughter at the edge of our bed. My wonderful, sweet, dear friend of the past 11 years was gone at 32 years old.

No one will ever know the details of that accident. The only one to witness the accident was their 15 month old son, who survived without a scratch. How and why the side by side flipped will forever be a mystery. The events that followed, however, are itched in her family’s memories forever. Her funeral is today. The hotel is booked & my husband and I are going.

It’s hard for me to even really comprehend that she is gone. I spoke to her the day before she died. I had just put my phone down in the console of my van after talking to my mom, when I heard her voice call out my name to say hello. My finger must have clicked her name when I put the phone down. We talked briefly about how my daughter was doing, a book I had been reading, and encouraging each other as Moms before hanging up so she could answer another call. The next day she was unexpectedly ushered into heaven.

These last few days I have been reflecting on the significance of a human life and the void that is left when even just one person passes away from this life to the next. Her husband no longer has his life partner, closest friend, and companion. Their two little boys no longer have a mother to hold them when they cry, to mend their scrapes and bruises, to tickle them, laugh with them, mentor them. As young as they are will they even remember her? Remember her laugh, her tears, her joy, her voice? They will only have pictures and stories told to them by others. They won’t get to know her as they get older as she got to know her mother.

Her parents no longer will hear their daughter’s voice. No more smiles. No more “Hey Mom, how’s it going today?” or “Dad, can you help us fix this thing?” No longer can her brother ask her opinion on a matter or “endure” her playful teasing. An Aunt, a cousin, a niece, a sister-in-law; these are just a few of the roles she played. A neighbor. A nurse. A friend. My friend. The void that is here now that she’s gone is huge. She was irreplaceable.

Charity is not only my friend but my sister-in-Christ. As a believer in Jesus Christ I know that she is not gone forever but that she only made it to heaven before me; before us. She is running the streets of heaven and probably going for run across heaven’s countryside. She is waiting for us as she worships our Lord with her baby girl that she had miscarried and her other family members who have past on in the last few years. She has entered into that great cloud of witnesses mentioned in Hebrews 12:1. She has run the good race and she is waiting for those she beat to the finish line to catch up, all the while talking with the Apostles, King David, and her other heroes in the faith! It still sucks for the rest of us though. We are still running this race and now we are running it without her.

I remember having many conversations about the hard times in life; how we were never promised life without sorrow or hardship but we are promised that Christ would be with us in the midst of our pain. He too has suffered as we suffer. He felt the pain of death and the mourning that comes when those we loved who have passed away. The Bible talks about how God collects our tears. He notices. He doesn’t forget our pain and sorrows. He promises us beauty for ashes. Though at this point in time it’s hard to see the beauty that may come in such a tragedy. The heart still aches for what is missed and what could have been. It aches for the dreams that will never be realized. It aches for those who are left to mourn the life well lived but only for such a short time. At 32 years old there is still so much life that could have been lived. So many more memories to be made and they will be made, but now she won’t be there. The heart aches for her boys, her husband, her parents, her brother, her extended family, and her friends.

Good bye my dear sweet friend. I miss you. I know we’ll have eternity together but it still sucks you’re gone.

April 21, 2021

Overcoming breastfeeding difficulties: Two months in

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Whoo hoo! We made it 9 weeks breastfeeding! What a feat! I didn’t think we’d get this far with all the trouble we had the first month but here we are!

Last week we had her 2 month check. She’s gained a total of 2 lbs since birth and has grown 3 inches! We have now had to change from 0-3 month clothes to 3-6month clothes because she is so long!

I am so glad I didn’t give up breastfeeding. The ironic thing was that once I came to the conclusion that I was not going to be able to breast feed as long as I thought and that I would have to supplement with formula, breastfeeding got easier! To be honest I thought she would have dried me up by now since she was not feeding so well at the beginning.

I remember sitting on the couch and telling myself, “you know what? It’s not the end of the world if I can’t breast feed for a full 9-12 months like I did with my two boys. The most important thing is that she eats and is growing. So I will breast feed what I can and then formula feed as well if she’s still hungry after breastfeeding. If I dry up, I dry up.”

It was at that point that the stress of breastfeeding went away. She began to latch better and overcome her difficulties in feeding and my milk supply increased. I significantly reduced the amount of times that I was pumping and had only needed to supplement once a day. Now I don’t need to supplement at all!

I’m happy we’re still at it! She is so much happier nursing than drinking from a bottle. She sucks in so much air with the bottle and is super uncomfortable when bottle feeding. Plus she gets more milk faster nursing and I don’t have to stop to burp her in between each ounce, just between sides and at the end. Also, she still spits up but not as much as when she bottle feeds.

Don’t get me wrong. Some days nursing is hard. I have two other littles running around and the 2 year old seems to be at his most… what word should I use….well let’s just say his most independent self. He’s in the kitchen raiding the fridge pulling out Gogurt sticks, cheese sticks, and anything else he can eat. He thinks he’s so sneaky sometimes and tries to hide with it under the table or other times he just walks around knowing that since Mommy is nursing she can’t stop me!

Breastfeeding- the struggle is real

Ruby BlossomLeave a comment

You would think that after a while breast-feeding would get easier. In some ways that’s true while in others, it’s not. This is now my third time breast-feeding a child and each time has had its own troubles. I completely understand any mom who gives up breast-feeding and starts formula feeding. Breast-feeding is hard work at the beginning. You would think some thing that is “natural” would be so much easier and come more naturally than it does. Nature may give us the basic tools to do it but there is still a learning curve. No matter how many times you breastfeed as the mother, each infant has to “learn” & perfect their breastfeeding technique.

Surprisingly, my first child was the easiest to breast-feed. Though they were all slow to gain weight in the first two weeks of life, the eldest was a nursing monster. He devoured breastmilk like a ravenous lion devours a dead carcass. Don’t get me wrong, he fell asleep while feeding countless times and occasionally he would vomit everything he ate but he ate well and very often. He nursed so often that I felt like I was a milking cow. I found it so difficult just to sit there for hours throughout the day just nursing. The hardest part with him was the mental aspect of breast-feeding….

Now that I think about it, the mental aspect of breast-feeding is the hardest part all around. Unlike bottlefeeding, with breast-feeding you have no idea how much your child is actually eating. And if your baby is struggling to gain weight in those early weeks this can cause an enormous mental toll on a mom of a newborn.

With my second child, he had a severe tongue tie, which was not caught prior to leaving the hospital. He seemed to eat well before to being discharged but after we got home that night, he was screaming at the top of his lungs because he was hungry. It was then that I noticed his poor little tongue tethered by its tip to his bottom gum. He had to get his tongue “clipped” so that he could experience full range of motion in his mouth to eat and to allow him to be able to speak better (the jury is still out on that last one). He must have ate enough to gain weight but around 9 months old we both got sick and my milk supply dried up so we started formula feeding until I could switch him over to whole milk at 12 months.

Now baby number three is a whole other ball game. She started off large, almost 11 pounds )the others were 9.5 and 8.5 lbs) and a super slow eater which results in her falling asleep before getting a full feeding. At 2 weeks she hadn’t gained any weight & was continuing to loose weight. So we started breast feeding, pumping after each feeding, and then supplementing with formula. Finally she began to gain weight and by 3 weeks old she had gained almost all her weight back that she had lost since birth!

Now this last week I’ve just been pumping and bottle feeding expressed milk. It is soooo much work. It’s exhausting with a 5yr old & 2yr old. With the oldest, I took breastfeeding month by month, motivating myself with my progress of how far I had come. Actually, to my surprise, I made it to 14 months of breast-feeding with him. I feel that with this one I will have to motivate myself in the same manner. However, pumping every time is really getting to me. Sigh, a few days ago I was at the point where I just wanted to quit. Formula feeding was looking so much easier at that moment and she seems to tolerate it but it’s so expensive in comparison to breastfeeding and doesn’t have even close to all the benefits that breastfeeding has.

That evening I decided to try to stop supplementing with formula and to give myself a break from pumping. The following evening I started to pump again, doubtful if she was actually eating enough since she seemed hungry all that day and it felt like she fed constantly and my breast never felt full. However, when pumping I got out 3oz which should be enough for what she needs at this point. In a few days we go in for her 1 month appointment/ weight check and I’ll get to see our progress then. I’m praying that this frequent pumping and supplementing will soon pass. If not, I really don’t know how much longer I’ll be breastfeeding. With two other children at home under 6 years of age, my plate is full and my husband is also feeling overwhelmed at times.

I realize this is just a short season, but that still doesn’t mean it’s easy. The things that a worth it normally don’t came easily anyway.

Thankfully, he helps so much around the house and with the kids when he’s home from work. On the weekends, he gets less sleep than me sometimes. I’m truly blessed to have a husband as supportive as he is. This last month, while he’s not at work he’s done basically all the housework, cooking & child care of the kids so that I can focus on sleeping when I can, pumping, & breastfeeding. I don’t know how single mom’s do it. Having a husband has made being a mom so much more enjoyable and less stressful for me. Without his 24/7 support my stress level would be through the roof & my mental health would be on the rocks. Plus the occasional help I get from my mom during the week when I really need it and the evening meals that we have been receiving from different members of our church the last 3 weeks has been tremendously helpful. Thanks be to God.

I realize this is a very short season but it doesn’t make it easy. The things that are worth accomplishing rarely are easy. If they were easy we wouldn’t appreciate it them as much.

Update:

Yesterday my daughter got weighed at a one month weight check visit. She has officially passed her birth weight of 10 lbs 14oz and now weighs 11 lbs 5.8oz! Woo Hoo! We did it! — however, now I have two clogged milk ducts on the right side that I’m trying to resolve!

Mastitis is the last thing I need right now.

Abnormal newborn screening

Ruby BlossomLeave a comment

I’m not going to lie, this last week has been emotionally draining. Last week Thursday, my daughter went in for her 2 week check up and I was hit with a double whammy. Not only was my daughter not gaining weight but her newborn screen had come back abnormal for FA + Barts; alpha thalassemia. Needless to say we were shocked! We have two sons already and none of them had any abnormal tests results on their newborn screenings. In the office she had to have her blood drawn from her vein, not just the typical heel stick. I was devastated. In my mind I had connected the weight loss with the alpha thalassemia and my mind automatically started thinking the worst.

Over last weekend I was nursing and pumping every 2 hours trying to increase my milk supply and it felt like every time I was trying to increase my supply made my supply decrease. It was so disheartening. I cried so much over the weekend. I reached out for prayer among my friends and openly wept before the Lord over the situation many times; trying to fight fear with faith and encouraging my heart with scriptures like Psalms 23 & 27, 2 Tim 1:7, and Phil 4:5-7. Trying to turn my eyes from my circumstance and looking toward Jesus. I cannot say that it was easy.

Whenever something major happens, it also takes me a couple days to catch my feet and recenter myself. Monday I went in for a weight check to see if my efforts were making any progress… they were a little bit. She gained an ounce over the weekend. *sigh. All my hard work and only an ounce. *sigh. I breast fed her in the office and she had only eaten an ounce in a hour. Which, according to my pediatrician, would have been fine if she was a 6 lb newborn but she was born at almost 11 lbs so she needs twice that amount… if not triple that amount! So over the last few days I have been taking herbal supplements for breast feeding like fenugreek and blessed thistle. Not to mention still pumping a lot and I even got a sample of formula to try, if I wanted to. My husband lovingly reminded me that there was no shame in supplementing with formula feeding just as there is no shame in getting an epidural in labor, the most important thing is that she eats and grows.

Starting Tuesday evening I started to supplement with formula until I can establish a large enough milk supply to sustain her. To be honest, she is a terrible nurser, she is so slow at breastfeeding she falls asleep before getting a full feeding no matter what I do. At least when she is bottle fed she is very alert and vigorously drinks. The downside is that she swallows a lot air with the bottle. Trying to pump and breast feed is also time consuming. I have to other children age 5 and 2 and they need my attention too. So I have no idea how long I will be able to keep this breastfeeding and pumping routine. I think I need to reach out to a lactation consultant and see what we can figure out together.

Today, when I went in for her weight check I was greeted with good news! She gained most of her birth weight back over the 3 days in between weight checks! That’s a whole 9 oz that she gained!!! I did however, feed her 3 oz of breast milk prior to showing up for her weight check so I’m not sure how accurate that was, but we are going in again next week to see if she has indeed gained back to her birth weight. We also got her test results back for the confirmation for alpha thalassemia. However, the test confirmed nothing. Instead, the result was abnormal but inconclusive so she has to repeat all the blood work again at 6 months old. To be honest, I am encouraged the test result was inconclusive and the hematologist told us not to be worried over the test. Apparently, of all the newborn screens, the alpha thalassemia one is the least common one to come back as abnormal. Also, he believes that since the test was inconclusive at this point, she is most likely a carrier of the trait and doesn’t have the disorder. If in six months we discover she does carry this trait, my husband most be a carrier as well, he just never knew it. I would be shocked if I was the carrier, since I am not of Mediterranean or Southeast Asian descent, but my husband is from Italy and we have since learned of some distant relatives who carry the trait.

So the last seven days started off on a low note but ended on a high note. I’m so thankful for friends, family, and the support of my church with meals, babysitting, prayers, and listening ears. The support is encouraging and definitely has made this adjustment so much easier. God is good and He continues to pour out His kindness upon me, even in the midst of uncertainty and moments of despair.

Adjusting to Baby #3 in a pandemic

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Our newest addition to our family arrived 2 weeks ago today! Boy has she broken the mold in numerous ways! First off she is our only girl; second, she was our largest baby (10lb 14oz); third, she was the only one I had to have serial ultrasounds with to check for placenta previa (which thankfully resolved a few weeks before she was born); fourth, she came before her due date not a week later!; and Fifth, she experienced shoulder dystocia (which is an emergency!) and was not initially crying when she was born!

That last part was a little scary at the end. Initially I had no idea what was going on. I was just pushing along, then I heard she was stuck, and before I knew it about 20 nurses and other hospital staff flooded into the room. The Midwife was basically on top of me pushing on my pelvis, someone was counting out time, and then she was out, and quickly rushed outside of the room! I heard someone say “NICU” and I started to tear up. Thankfully I had gotten an epidural when I did, labor was already excruciating, not to mention quick! and this event would have probably made it unbearable. Also, I’m thankful that she was not away from me long. Within a few minutes I heard her crying down the hall or where ever she was and my husband carried her back into the L&D room and gave her too me within 10 minutes or less. After she was out (of me), the Midwife told me she had to pull out an arm in order to get her shoulder unstuck.

No one, I repeat, NO ONE thought this baby was going to be almost 11 lbs. I did not have gestational diabetes, I did not “look” that big, and I had not gained an excessive amount of weight either! Plus my last Ultrasound estimated her weight at 36/37 weeks to be a little less than 6 lbs, so there is no way she gained 5 lbs in 2-3 weeks! Everyone was also surprised that I only had a small one degree tear along an old scar from when I had my first son. I opted not to have stitches and I think I healed up just fine.

The first week at home was hard in someways but easy in others. The worst part was how I felt day 4 after delivery. It was negative 11 degrees Fahrenheit outside, I had to go to my daughters first primary care visit, the van wouldn’t start; the car would, but it was behind the van!!! And physically I felt awful. I felt like I had been run over. My hips hurt in the front, my abdomen hurt, my neck hurt, my whole body was sore, and I hadn’t slept much in 48 hours. I just curled up in bed and sobbed ugly tears. My body temperature felt like it was all over the place, I had body shakes, hot and cold flashes, etc… but my temperature was stable. The uterine cramping was also very uncomfortable and would happen every time I nursed for the first 5 days or so.

Two weeks out, I still have some scant uterine bleeding that is like a light menses. My abdomen feels much better and things are feeling pretty normal. I’m just left with my “mom pouch.” Our daughter’s massive bruise across her face has resolved and most of the hemorrhages in her eyes are healed. Her eyes are just left with a thin halo of blood around her irises. The boys love her and the youngest, who is two, is constantly getting in her crib (if the door is open) seating beside her, touching her face and saying baby! The oldest wants to be involved and help with diaper changes by handing me the diaper and the youngest just wants to be around everybody else. So I am so thankful that they have fully embraced her.