There is no particular person to pinpoint as the cause of any of our family division or strife, some people just happen to be the ones God uses to bring to notice the reality of family discord that was already there, hiding under the surface.
My family has had issues from the beginning, who’s hasn’t? Being a blended family has never been easy; when half your siblings leave every weekend or every other weekend to go visit their “real” dad. When one set of parents are trying to follow Jesus and the other isn’t there is bound to be tension…. “volcanic” moments that leave one scarred, if they are old enough to remember how it was before the “ash” fell and “lava” forever changed the landscape of daily life.
For me there have been a handful of these events. The first one I remember was when brother number 1 (I have 3) got into a huge argument with my father over an underage alcoholic party he threw at our home while we were gone on vacation and he chose to stay home to work. I was 8 years old, he was 16. I can still remember the yelling and swearing echoing through the walls of our house as he and my brother argued outside. That day my life as I knew it changed forever, my brother decided that he could not live by the rules of our household so he moved out to live with “his” dad. I remember hearing his voice in the house even after he had left…it was almost as if he had died for a few years. I don’t remember seeing him much over the few years that followed. I have never had a close relationship with him since.
It wasn’t until college, that the Lord had began to deal with my heart on this issue. He revealed to me that I had a wound in my heart called abandonment that caused me to shield myself from forming relationships. It wasn’t that I didn’t want them… it was just that I felt it was pointless to make friends with people who were just going to leave you in a few years. However, He showed me by doing this I was missing out on what He had for me in that season of life: Not all meaningful relationships last a lifetime, some are only meant for seasons. The only relationship that will be with you in every season and moment of life is the one you form with Jesus Christ. A minor “earthquake” came a few years later when brother number 2 threatened to leave home in the same manner my 1st brother did. However, I don’t remember much of the details but do remember all the tears my mother cried and feelings of how unstable my family really was.
In high school, I remember some of my friends commenting on how wonderful and Brady Bunch like my family was. Don’t get me wrong, my childhood was amazing most of the time, we got to travel every summer and we were closer than most families I knew but we still had our problems. And since my life was not as tumultuous as my close friends and they kept telling me my life was perfect, it made it difficult for me to confide in them about my pain over my own family issues.
Another “earthquake,” came after High School graduation and brother 3 fell asleep while driving to school one morning. He hit a parked U-haul on the side of a Highway. He tore his PCL in one of his knees and completely totaled his car. He was beat up pretty bad that day and truth be told, I think even the doctors in the ER were surprised he left the car alive. God did an amazing work in my brothers heart that summer and I came to terms with how quickly life could end. I could have lost my brother that day, my best friend, but I didn’t. God preserved him and spared me the pain of loosing a brother and my parents the pain of loosing a son. That day was the first day I had even seen my father openly weep and just knowing that fact, changed my brothers heart towards him as well.
While away at college, My two older brothers got into a huge argument regarding their father, personal lifestyle choices, and their individual families (to put it simply). To be honest, since I was away for the majority of the situation the details are still fuzzy. From that event brother 1 and 2 did not speak to each other, nor would they show up to any family functions while the other was still there. Their father still doesn’t speak to his youngest son to this day, even though brother 2 has tried to reconcile. It was a few years later when brother 1 and his family started to come around again, something which I had prayed about for a long time. Brother 1 is not a believer and it is my prayer that one day he put his faith in Christ as Lord and Savior, so his lack of communication with us, though painful, was easier to deal with since he did not claim to believe in Christ like everyone else. I cannot expect someone who doesn’t believe in Jesus to live by the standards in which Christ has called his followers to live by.
The most recent relational “volcano” has occurred within the last year. The cause if this one is still fuzzy to me. Brother 2 and his family have decided to “take a break” from family. I’m not sure what exactly happened, apparently it has been little things that have built up over time that were never shared with the offending parties but it has gotten to the point where they have just shut down almost all communication with us. The whole thing, I have taken very personal. I love my brother, his wife, and his children. My deepest desire is to have a good relationship with each of my siblings, though to be honest I have been so busy with obtaining my bachelor and master degrees since the time the eldest got married, that I haven’t had much time to connect with any of them. It pains me to know that we (our family collectively: parents, siblings, etc..) has hurt them so badly that they don’t want anything to do with us. What hurts the most is I had know idea I hurt them. I must have done something but I have no idea what it was.
This most recent “volcano” has made me do a lot of reflecting. How could I have down things differently? How can I show them that I still think about them and care about them? How do I fix this? Because I want so badly to fix it but I can’t. I want so badly for reconciliation to come but I can’t force it.
Yesterday, I heard a speaker say that her sister doesn’t like her and the more she tried to fix the relationship the worse she made it. So she just had to come to terms with it and stop trying to fix it. When I hear that, it dawned on me: I have to come to terms with this and release it to the Lord. Do I give up on wanting reconciliation? No, I keep praying for it. Do I let my confusion turn to anger because I am hurt by my feelings of sibling rejection? No, I live in a place of forgiveness and be prepared to welcome them with open arms when they feel ready to open the lines of communication again. I choose Love. Love that is not based on feelings or emotion, but love that is based on action. The Love that says I accept you just as you are. The love that says I am choosing to learn what makes you feel important and special, regardless of the pain. The love that covers a multitude of sin, the love that only comes from Christ.
The Bible says that God is love and that anyone who does not love does not know God (1 John 4). So what is love according to the Bible? Jesus said that there is no greater love than a person who is willing to lay down their life for someone else (John 15:13). So what is laying down your life for another? There is the literal dying in someones place as Christ did on the cross but then there is the daily dying to yourself. To me I can gauge this love in my own life by how much I am willing to be “inconvenienced” by someone else. If I am not willing to be “inconvenienced” by someone than I know I don’t love them.
Thanks for reading, I hope this encouraged/challenged you in some way.
The Ruby Blossom 