Fighting for Connection

Last Sunday the message preached at my church was called Fighting for Connection. The message was basically about how every relationship has conflict at some point in time. When these times of conflict come will you disconnect or will you chose connection.

Often, how we communicate can bring conflict. Below is a brief explanation on the four types of communicators:

Passive- which the thinking behind a passive communicator is: you matter and I don’t. A passive communicator sounds something like this: “I don’t care where we eat, you can choose.”

Aggressive- I matter and you don’t. They sound something like this: “I’m hungry, we’re going to eat at — place.” They don’t care what the other person’s opinion or need is.

Passive aggressive- You matter…not really. They may sound something like this: “where do you what to eat?… No, I don’t like any of those options. Let’s go here instead.”

Assertive- we both matter. They sound something like this: “let’s go eat. I like anyone of those options….. What about you? Do any of these sound good to you?”

The importance of knowing these four type of communicators is to evaluate how you may communicate, so that you are more aware of how you may be communicating in future conversations.

I was reflecting of the concept of fighting for connection today and thought of many of my relationships. The people I am the closest with are the ones I have had to fight for connection with the most. My life has been full of conflict, and to be honest many times the person I have felt conflict with may not have even known what the tension they felt was even about or even noticed there was a problem.

When conflict comes and I have to choose to fight for connection or to disconnect here is what I normally ask myself:

• How important is this relationship to me?
• Is this something I can let go or is this something I need to address?
• If it’s something I feel needs to be addressed, how can I do it in a way that I’m not verbally attacking the other person?

It may be a few hours to a few weeks before I feel the time is appropriate to share. I have noticed that if I cannot simply drop the offense and move on, the quicker I address it the better. Otherwise, I will forget to say something and another offense will come and the tension starts to build.

In thinking about fighting for connection, what does the Bible have to say about this topic of conflict?

Jesus is recorded in the Gospels four times addressing conflict/offenses among believers. They are written below

“So if you are offering your gift on the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Reach a settlement quickly with your adversary while you’re on the way with him, or your adversary will hand you over to the judge, the judge to the officer, and you will be thrown into prison.” Matthew‬ ‭5:23-25‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

This scripture speaks to me about the importance of taking responsibility for you part of in conflict that you are aware of. It seems that Jesus is saying that reconciliation with a fellow believer in Christ is more important than bringing your worship to God.

The next verse about offense recorded states:

““If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he won’t listen, take one or two more with you, so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every fact may be established. If he pays no attention to them, tell the church. But if he doesn’t pay attention even to the church, let him be like an unbeliever and a tax collector to you.” Matthew‬ ‭18:15-17‬ HCSB

In this verse the responsibility to make amends is still on you but only this time it is you who is the offended party. The order in which Jesus tells us to address the offense is very different then what most of us do: go to the offender first and then, and only then, should you share the offense with others if the issue cannot be resolved by the two of you. Everyone should only know about the offense when after sharing with one or two people the matter can’t be resolved.

The third verse stated by Jesus says:

“As you are going with your adversary to the ruler, make an effort to settle with him on the way. Then he won’t drag you before the judge, the judge hand you over to the bailiff, and the bailiff throw you into prison.” Luke‬ ‭12:58‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

To me this verse means that you should make the effort to reconcile prior to the other person bringing the conflict to someone in authority.

The last verse recorded that Jesus spoke about conflict is:

“Be on your guard. If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and comes back to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”” Luke‬ ‭17:3-4‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

To me this clearly states that as believers we need to continually forgive one another. In fact, Jesus said that if you don’t forgive others then you also will not be forgiven (Matt 6:14-15)! In the same manner that Christ has forgiven us, we need to forgive others (Eph 4:32, Col 3:13).

A few other verses I found in the New Testament are included next and well as some warnings about conflict from Proverbs.

“Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger, and don’t give the Devil an opportunity.” Ephesians‬ ‭4:26-27‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

To me this verse speaks of conflict with others. It’s okay that we get offended from time to time but we are not supposed to sin when these offenses come. Instead we need to deal with these offenses quickly. Maybe that means we just deal with them in our heart and forgive or maybe that means that we go to the person and try to reconcile. But in any case the offense can be an opportunity for the enemy to come in and cause division if it is not handled swiftly and appropriately.

A few verses later the discussion continues:

“All bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander must be removed from you, along with all malice. And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.” Ephesians‬ ‭4:31-32‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

These verses tell us not only how to verbally handle the offense but also the attitude in which it should be done; in kindness and compassion that ends in forgiveness.

The warnings that proverbs gives us about conflict as are follows:

“To start a conflict is to release a flood; stop the dispute before it breaks out.” Proverbs‬ ‭17:14‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

“An offended brother is harder to reach than a fortified city, and quarrels are like the bars of a fortress.” Proverbs‬ ‭18:19‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

Yikes!

Lord help me deal with conflict in a healthy manner. Help me to always fight for connection with others. Help me to listen and try to understand the other when they feel I have wronged them without getting offended and offensive as well. Gives me the words to speak Holy Spirit and the knowledge of when to remain silent. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.