Marriage for a Lifetime

Last week I got to talk with my grandma about her earlier years and more specifically my grandparents early marriage. My grandpa passed last December following a massive stroke. They were married for 68 years. In talking with my grandma, I discovered that she had 3 father figures (her father and 2 step fathers). None of them stayed around: the first was adulterous, the second enlisted and was never seen again, while the third left my grandmother’s life shortly after her mother died. My grandma was in her early 20’s at this time and already married to my grandpa with 4 children. My grandpa’s parents, on the other hand, were only ever married to each other and never divorced.

So how did they do it? How did they remain married for 68 years and never “fall out of love?” I’ve asked my grandma this question before. Her remark was “I have no idea, we have nothing in common.” Personality wise they are completely different but they did hold this in common: they each came to know Jesus as their Lord and Savior and they never even consider divorce as an option.

My husband and I started off pretty rocky in our dating relationship. To be honest there were a few times that we each thought the dating relationship was going to end. We came from two very different Church backgrounds: Catholicism and Pentecostal**. He would say that he was always a believer but didn’t become a follower of Jesus until his 20’s. A few months prior to dating, he had released to God his desire to become a husband and that if God did not have in his time plan for him marriage, he would be okay with that. Also, I had released to the Lord a relationship that I had really wanted but had finally came to the conclusion that this particular person was not the person God had for me and that I was no longer going to “look” and waste my time and emotions on someone who wasn’t going to reciprocate them and when the time was right, God would bring the right person along.

Initially, I was attracted to my husband out of pure curiosity. He was like no Catholic I had ever met and this intrigued me. All he cared about was Jesus; not the Saints, Mary, or the rosary. Just Jesus and what the Bible has to say was truth. A few months prior he became interested in me because of a surprised greeting that he had witness between me and a fellow Japanese student that I had met the year prior in a completely different State. My husband later told me that it was this excitement he saw that made him wish that someday someone would be that excited to see him that drew him to me.

In those early months of dating we found out our grandparents had been married the same year (1950) and were still married. The Lord did a lot of work to get us on the same page and I remember asking God many times to change things that I didn’t like, either in myself or in him. Never have I seen the Lord answer my prayers so quickly and consistently as I have in that dating period. I personally think it was because I had previously decided that I was not going to waste my time in a relationship that wasn’t from Him (God) and He was kind in showing me that it was from Him; even though I had many opportunities to “flee.”

A year and a half later we were married. We’ve been married for 5 and a half years now. I still remember about a month or two into our marriage I asked my husband what love meant to him and he very simply said “commitment.” At the time, I was surprised by the statement. It was just one simple word but it helped build a confidence in my husband’s love for me.

It’s been five and half years since my husband and I got married. Though we may never reach 68 years of marriage our goal is to fulfill our vows til death do we part. A little over a year ago we were given a book called Love and Respect. We read it separately and then went on a date to connect. I had just finished my masters degree that took me four years to complete and we had a 3.5 year old at home as well as a baby on the way. The book was so eye opening for both my husband and I. It really paved the way to bring us each a better understanding of one another. It also helped me understand myself better too. As well as to recognize the attitudes and behaviors that lead us to spin on the Crazy Cycle (without Respect he reacts without Love, without Love she reacts without respect) and how to get off!

The other two cycles are The Energizing Cycle (with Respect he reacts with Love, with Love she reacts with Respect) and the Rewarded Cycle (regardless of his Love, she reacts with Respect and regardless of her Respect, he reacts with Love). At the end of the book the author argues that a crisis in marriage is really a crisis of our Faith; Do you believe the Bible to be true?

How we act towards our spouse in marriage ultimately reflects how we treat Christ (Eph 6:7-8, Matt 25:37-40,45). For husbands, “unconditional love reveals a husband’s imitation of Christ and thus love for Christ. He shows his love for Christ as he loves his wife” (Eph 5:2,25, 29; 1 John 4:21). While for wives, “unconditional respect reveals a wife’s reverence for Christ. She shows her reverence for Christ as she respects her husband” (Titus 2:3-5, Eph 5:21-22, 33, 6:7). Also, the author drives home the point that our obedience to the word of God will ultimately be rewarded (Eph 6:7-8,2 Cor 5:10, Matt 5:46, Luke 6:32-34, 1 Peter 2:20).

In marriage we are responsible for our own actions, not the actions of our spouse. “My response is my responsibility. This reveals who I am. My spouse does not cause me to be the way I am but they reveal the way I am” (Mark 7:21-23). Also, our actions can be powerful in winning over our spouse to the Lord, if they are not yet saved and living how God intended ( 1 Peter 3:1-2, 15-16, 1 Cor 7:16, Hosea 3:1).

A joyful Marriage for a lifetime is only possible as we treat one another as we would Christ. We can’t deny our spouse of their deepest need (Women => love, men => respect) and expect them to act in ways that meet our deepest needs. Also, We can’t do it without the empowerment of Holy Spirit. As a wife that means I must choose to respect my husband regardless of his behavior* and ask Holy Spirit to help me accomplish this. For my husband that means he chooses to love me regardless of my behavior towards him and also asks Holy Spirit to help him accomplish this.

I believe this was the secret my grandparents discovered, even if my grandmother could not place it in words. Looking back on their relationship together and witnessing how they treated one another even in their disagreements it was done Respectfully by my grandmother and Lovingly by my grandfather. They were committed to seeing their marriage through until death parted them. The same commitment is true for both my husband and my parents. As well as my husband and me; we are committed to seeing it through until death. Have we always acted in ways that have come across respectful or loving? No! But we are learning each other and what that looks like for each of us. And thankfully one of us notices when we start to spin of that Crazy Cycle so that we can quickly get off and get back to building each other up.

**When I say Pentecostal I am talking about churches that believe the Holy Spirit is for believers today and that his ministry did not die out with the Early Church Apostles. Not people who handle snakes and other bizarre behaviors. For a more thorough teaching on Holy Spirit see Robert Morris’ book “The God I never knew” or see his video preaching series.

*I am not talking about abusive behavior of any kind here, but am talking about those moments where either a tone or behavior is interpreted as unloving or disrespectful.