Wife & Mother, Career Woman, or Both?

I live in a culture that tells woman every day that they can be anything that they want to. My culture tries to “empower” woman by encouraging them to get an education, enter the workforce, make money to provide for your family; to be strong and stick up for yourself, etc… However, if a woman’s dream is to just be a wife and mother, culture at large looks down at that type of woman. In some ways her peers shame her for not aspiring to be a doctor or lawyer, a scientist or engineer… “Don’t you want to change the world? Don’t you want to make a real difference in the world?”

The internal and external struggle between the roles of wife and mother or career woman, or both is real! It is so, so real. I know because I have personally lived it. I’ve struggled internally with it and externally with it. Unfortunately the way my culture has tried to “empower” me and the other women is by denying the very essences of a woman and telling her she needs to be more “manly” and at the same time demeaning men and telling them they need to be more “feminine.”

Women have bought into this lie that in order for a woman to have value and fulfillment not only do they need to be beautiful and intelligent but they have to out perform men on every playing field. Also, woman are told they have to protect themselves from men! In reality it is men who are suppose to be the protectors. I don’t know about you but that is a lot of pressure. What if what I want in life is not to be in the workforce 40+ hours a week, what if I could care less about reaching the top of the cooperate ladder? Were is the praise and admiration from magazines and newspapers that applaud the work, sweat, & tears that come with being a stay-at-home mom or homeschooling mom?

Could it be in women’s attempt to gain “power” & “influence” have we actually lost our most influential realm and traded it for poorer mental health & increased stress?

Today I look around and see so many women stressed and pushed to their limits. Don’t get me wrong, I think women do have a place in the Marketplace. Whatever your passion is as a woman, I believe you should be able to live that out, if your dream is to be a doctor or lawyer, teacher, CEO, administrator, secretary, farmer, Judge, artist, stay at home mom, whatever it is, without limitation. My caution, however, is putting so much emphasis on performance and becoming ….(whatever career that is for you) that you place such a high burden on yourself that God never intended for you to bare.

I have meet many working mothers who wish their spouses would support them in a decision to stay at home. These women are in all socioeconomic strati. Either the husband doesn’t want to work more than 40 hrs a week or doesn’t want to attain the skills and knowledge necessary in attaining a higher paying job. I know it irks my husband when he hears other men talk about the lifestyle they don’t want to loose if they supported their wife’s desire of staying home. Or it could be, she wants to stay home but between her and her husband, they have racked up so much debt that it seems impossible to live on one income! According to Debt.org the average American household has $8,398 in credit card debt, not to mention student loan debt. Lack of support from spouse and added stress of debt can be tremendously stressful on women. After all, women seek security especially in their relationships and finances.

Did you know that according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (2020) women are twice as likely than men to have Generalized Anxiety disorder, Panic disorder, or a specific phobia. Anxiety is usually caused by a fear of lack of control or fear of the unknown, which in my experience is cause by a feeling of insecurity. Women are also more likely to have Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD (ADAA, 2020). Though there are many causes of these two disorders, relational issues whether abuse, betrayal, social distance, etc.. a major factors in the development of these disorders. It is not only a biological process, I believe societies expectations , whether real or perceived, on what a woman should be doing with her life, how she should behave and physically look, as well as relationship stress all play a major role in affecting woman’s brains that lead them to these anxiety and depressive disorders. Though this is not necessarily true in every case.

Back in October, I had the most wonderful conversation with my grandmother about her life. She had quite a rough childhood. Three father figures: birth dad and two step dad’s, at a time when divorce was very uncommon. She gave her life to Christ as a child but stopped following Him until her early 20’s. My grandpa was soon to follow a few years later. It was actually the tragic death of my grandma’s mother that brought him to Christ as he tried to reconcile her death while my grandmother had such peace about her passing. At one point she had a severe bout of depression that the Lord supernaturally broke off her when she was in her 30s or 40s. She told me in our conversation that she “claimed” her victory and then fought for it by prayer, praise, and a forceful and verbal declaration (This is a story for another day). She never dealt with depression again. My grandparent’s ended up being married for 68 years, they have 5 living children, a few miscarriages, 19 grand kids, and probably just as many great grands…if not more. It was that conversation that lead me to reflect and ask the question: In women’s attempt to gain “power” & “influence” have we actually lost it and traded it for poorer mental health & increased stress?

This question came up because here I was, talking to this amazing woman of God, who has welded such incredible influence in numerous people’s lives not only inside her own home but outside as well and she never worked outside the house after she had children. Never. She was and still is completely fulfilled in her role as a wife, mother, grandmother and Christ follower. Completely. Not only that, but she has lived with such power and influence over generations of people. She has helped shape and mold countless lives. She has influenced teachers, professors, doctors, nurses, technicians, general contractors, nurse practitioners, pastors, insurance agents, missionaries, etc…. She has influenced the eternal destiny of families and generations. She wasn’t well educated (7th grade education). The only paying job she ever held was working in a chicken factory in her teen years, cutting limbs off chickens. She didn’t even live “in town” but on a farm… between towns. By modern standards, she is a nobody but in Heavens eyes and the eyes of all those who know her and knew her over the years, she was a Rock star. She poured out her life as an offering to her husband, her children, and to most of all to her God.

You see, there is a power and influence that comes with being a woman, a wife, and a mother just as there is a power and influence that comes with being a man, a husband, and a father. Just as a man does not wield his power by being womanly, a woman doesn’t wield her power by being manly. I have come to believe, women will never think like men, no matter how hard she may try and neither can a man think like a woman. Our brains are simply not “wired” the same. And there is nothing wrong with that. We may learn to understand how the other thinks and at times even try to manipulate that thinking for our own satisfaction, but we will never fully be able to become the other. Men and women are equally valuable but we are not the same (Genesis 1:26-27). We are as different as water and fire, both are incredibly important but each has a specific role to play.

In Genesis 1, God lays the foundation for what men and women’s roles were to be based on how God created each one. Men were to be providers, protectors, and fathers. While women were to be a companions, support, and mothers. The very name Eve means life, her very genetic DNA equipped her for child-rearing. She was to raise the family, while he was to support and protect the family. Both roles are vitally important. It is men who are to keep other men accountable for treating woman respectfully. Women can try but history has shown that if men are not keeping other men accountable for how they treat women than women are taken advantage of, degraded, and treated less than they should be. Men are the ones who are to protect women and children, not exploit them for their own personal gain or satisfaction. If a ship is sinking, Who gets to exit first? Women and children. If an intruder comes into the home and lines everyone up (Mom, Dad, and kids) and says I’ll let the rest of you live if one of you willing dies. Who lays down their life? The man. Ever wonder why many men get uncomfortable if their wives bring in more income than they do? God ordained them to be the providers. It is men who are suppose to be the one to put food on the table, to make sure there is enough income coming in to make sure the bills are paid. That’s suppose to be his responsibility, not hers.

I am not saying that women should not work outside the home. I am saying that it is not the woman’s primary responsibility to work outside the home. If she wants to have a career, she can do that. If she wants to raise the children and run the home, than she should be able to do that as well, without any judgement on either option. After all, being a homemaker is a lot of work.

Let’s look at the data:

• If a stay at home parent were paid for all they do, they would average over $178,000 a year!
• Many stay-at-home parents work up to 98 hours a week!
• Stay-at-home parents in the USA would be worth $1.5 Trillion if paid minimum wage.
  • Personal chef: $1365/week
  • Grocery delivery: $160/month
  • House cleaner: $1120/week
  • Childcare: $800/week
  • personal driver: $23/hr
  • Laundry service:$336/week

Now let’s examine some women mentioned in the Bible who went above and beyond “just being a wife and mom:

• Miriam- Prophetess (a prophet(ess) is one who hears directly from God on behalf of the people), musician, and co-leader with her brothers Moses and Aaron (Exodus 15, Numbers 12)
• Deborah- Prophetess, Judge (a judge in Ancient Israel is similar to what a judge in modern times does), called a Mother of Israel, and she was also asked to accompany the Military commander of the day because he was afraid to go to war without her by his side (Judges 4, 5)
• Esther- an orphan who became Queen of Persia, she saves her people from annihilation, later in the story we see her ruling the Kingdom alongside her Husband, and making legal decrees with her Uncle. (Esther)
• Proverbs 31 woman- She is the ultimate picture of a woman who “fears the Lord.” Look at what she is capable of:
  • she is wise with her resources
  • she has a strong work ethic
  • she is charge of making sure everyone gets enough to eat in her household
  • she has people who work for her
  • she buys property
  • she buys things with her own earnings
  • she make wares and sells them to merchants to sell
  • she cares for her children
  • she meets the needs of those less fortunate than herself
• Lydia- a dealer of purple cloth (this fabric was only available to the wealthy), She allowed “church service” to be held in her home and was instrumental in founding the Church of Phillipi (she may have been widowed or divorced but it is known that she was head of her household, but it is unknown if she had children)

I’ve been a stay-at-home mom since January of 2017. It was a hard decision to come to. Who was I and what did I contribute to my family if I wasn’t working? I was also a graduate student at the time, until August of 2018. I looked hard for a job for over 6 months, found one, knew that particular job wasn’t for me and stopped looking for a job and allowed myself to just enjoy being a mom and wife. My husband and I have juggled many different roles. The most stressful for me was when I was working full-time nights, in graduate school nearly full-time, 2 months newly married, and had just found out I was going to be a mom. My husband was not legally allowed to work at the time. The weight of those months until he was able to get his green card so he could go back to his previous employment (his visa had expired) weighed so heavily on me. The feeling of “everything being on me” is hard to explain. Don’t get me wrong, my husband did everything at home during that time. But I had felt that I was in a role I was never meant to be in, nor did I want. I quickly came to the conclusion that I do not want to carry the weight of being the main income provider for the household and thankfully my husband is happy and greatly fulfilled in that role.

Lord willing, I am going back into the work force on a very part-time basis, once a week. Do I have to work? No! and that is the totally freeing thing about it! I’m going to work because I want to try out this job, not because I have to bring in extra income. I want to keep up my NP and RN licenses but I want to do it on my own terms. I don’t want to be stuck in a job I don’t like or and am overly stressed about. Eve’s consequence for disobeying God in the garden was not to toil in the field, that was Adam’s, but it was to have pain in childbearing and to desire that oneness with her husband she once had prior to their sin. I want to continue to pour into my children and home school them. To catch the moments with them that pass by so quickly, to set my boys up for success in their relationships, academics, finances, etc… to pass on the wisdom that my husband and I have learned. To show them what sacrificial love looks like and to point them to the Father.

Will we have a huge home, all name brand clothes, the latest tech, brand new cars, the best that money can buy? No, but we will have what moth and rust can not destroy and thieves can not break in and steal. We will have those things that truly matter and together we will change the world, one life at a time.